Take Fa Cai (I kid you not. That is his real name, which translates into "prosperous" in Mandarin. Only, he seems to have prospered more in his job than in his relationships.) The manager of an American-based multinational company, he has been planning his V-Day moves for a while, strategic planning being a legacy of his National Service days. He really wants to be operationally ready for Feb 14.
He has considered everything: the gift, the strategically-lit apartment, the music, the three-course-or-more home-cooked meal. The meal is a calculated risk, since he has not exactly proved to be Mr Cordon Bleu so far.
"We'll see if the meal blows her mind or blows up my kitchen," he said wryly.
Only, he has got a problem. He and this woman are on this nebulous no man's land, hovering between platonic friendship and sizzling romance. If he carries through with the dinner, he puts his heart on the line -- she'll know for sure he is interested and he risks rejection. But if he does not ask her soon, some other guy will. So he is still not sure what he is going to do.
I call that stress. He calls it trauma.
And we know he is not the only one out there torturing himself thus. All over the place, young adults, who should really know better, are arming themselves for V-day.
You know, Valentine's Day, when business-like, pragmatic Singapore is supposed to turn into something resembling the set of When Harry Met Sally so that couples can stroll, hand in hand, amid golden, rustling leaves. Fat chance.
With the kind of weather we have been having, we are more likely to find something like the scene from Four Weddings And A Funeral with Hugh Grant and Andie McDowell kissing in the rain.
V-day, I figure, was created when Cupid had a migraine and had to take emergency leave. His substitute was the patron saint of florists and restaurants. An entrepreneur at heart, he created Valentine's Day after consulting his friend, the patron saint of greeting cards, and the two decided to set up a joint-venture.
They then waved a wand over young couples and said: "Thou shalt consider this day romantic and spend lots of money creating a Mood. And thou shalt at least act as though thou art head-over-heels in love even though thou art in a totally contrived situation."
People usually took those guys seriously. How else do you explain the mailers from restaurants pushing meals for $80 and up per person? How else do you explain couples camping overnight at the Registry of Marriages so that they can be married on Feb 14 this year? Because it coincides with the 15th day of Lunar New Year. So many people wanted to get married on Feb 14 the ROM has set up extra rooms.
Back to our friend Fa Cai. Although he admits that romance is actually what you make of it, and that nothing beats being totally in sync with the person you are with, he is still working on the scene- setting.
"Got to make sure the signals from her are right," he said, trying to decide on the most low-risk/high-returns plan for his V-Day seduction.
If he had his way, the plans would be even more elaborate. He would whisk her away on a boat, have dinner on deck, with violins playing, and surprise her by taking her to the Caribbean. Whoever said Singapore men have no imagination or idea of omance?
"Well, they generally don't," said my sister Carolyn, who has had guys lining up to take her out since she was 14. One guy even jogged several kilometres from his place near Eunos to out place near Tanjong Katong to talk to her -- several times a week.
"But somehow, I always end up with the romantic ones. And I don't equate romance with grand gestures. It's those little things they do."
She should know. Sometimes, her room is so full of flowers, from men, that we could have set up a flower export business. "What matters," she said, "are those little things they do that show they care."
Her boyfriend, for example, once combed the whole of Singapore to find some hair accessory she mentioned, in passing, that she liked. He did not find it, but she was touched anyway.
And another time, when Carolyn, the chocoholic, was stuck at home sick, he surprised her by dropping by en route from a meeting downtown with a gigantic chocolate chip cookie.
Another friend recently told me she did not fall in love with her fiance until they had been going steady for two years. As they further got into their relationship, she realised he was really nice to her parents, and would fix things around the house quickly and without a fuss. Plus he was a good cook.
Not that I have got anything against moonlight and roses. I will be the first to admit I am crazy about beaches at night, and flowers, and men who can whip up a candlelight meal in a flash (even better if he can clean up after that -- but you cannot have everything.) But to designate one day just for all that? It is like suddenly expecting Clark Kent to turn into Clark Gable at the flip of a switch. And, having done his duty on Feb 14, he can turn back into a geek and not make any other effort at anything else for the rest of the year.
Apart from making it easier to remember you wedding anniversary, what good does getting married on Valentine's Day do? The problem with grand gestures, especially when they are concentrated on one occasion, is that they can mask what lies under the relationship. Ever gone into an expensive restaurant and sat next to a couple who, throughout the meal, look everywhere else but at each other, and hardly say a word to one another?
Give me someone who is sincere and willing to work at a relationship than a shallow Richard Gere lookalike who can ply me with pearls, designer dresses and limousine.
Grand gestures are nice -- and some people feel thouse are necessary. But when so much attention is paid to the window dressing, you may forget to mention the product and make sure its parts are in working order.
What happens after the grand gestures get the girl or the guy? That is when the headaches start. And no amount of expensive presents and candle-lit dinners can take the place of the hard work and effort sustaining a relationship.