From: V6410::LEEKK
Date: 26-NOV-1990 21:20:46
Description: bgr
Now that the discussion on an unequally-yoked relationship (i.e. a relationship that involves partners from different religions) has died down, hopefully this entry will put things in a better light and perspective. Hopefully, it will be of use to many, those involved and those that may be involved in future.
First a warning : It is long, and dead serious. Here it goes:
I think we would all agree that courtship is a time when 2 persons from 2 different worlds try to seek a common ground in order to spend the rest of their lives together. As such, their philosophy of life is of prime concern. Couples tend to seek out those who are close to their beliefs. For example, if they have a vastly different view of family and work, then they probably would think twice. The statistic that one in two American marriages or one in four to one in three marriages in Singapore ends in divorce is cause for concern, and will do us good to ponder marriage carefully.
It is interesting, therefore, that there are many who seem to trivialize on the issue of religion in courtship and assume that it will not be a problem. We need to note that religion can indeed affect the WHOLE outlook of a person's life. Especially if a person is devoted and religious, then it makes sense to assume that his/her philosophy is governed by that religious belief. The recent bill of religious harmany saw many religious leaders pointing out that religion cannot be separated from politics, indeed from life itself. To many, religion is not compartmentalized. To the Christian, he is a Christian 7 days a week, not just on Sunday. To the Muslim, he is not a Muslim just on Friday. To the Buddhist, he shouldn't be a Buddhist only on the 1st and 15th day of each lunar month. A person who compartmentalized his religion to a small corner of his life cannot be said to be devoted.
So, we ask if it is wise for two persons who are of different religions to be married. If both parties don't care very much, then it should not matter, and the subject will probably never be discussed. THIS MEANS THAT THE COUPLE WILL NOT BE SHARING THIS ASPECT OF THEIR LIFE TOGETHER.
However, if at least one of them bothers, then the issue needs to be resolved. By belonging to two different religions (especially one that does not embrace the other), it is a potential source of explosive conflict. One day, he/she will get up thinking hard about his/her beliefs. How to run the family? How to manage the finances? How to deal with in-laws? How to raise up children? What happens on Sunday, when one spends almost the whole day in Church while the other is alone at home, or with the children?
If you've never thought that far, I ask that you think even further. What happens when suddenly you realized that your marriage has not the blessing of God whom you believe in? What happens when your little kid asks you why you do not go to church while your spouse does? What will the answer be when your kid asks you who is God. What happens when one says that there is only one God while another say God is dead? What happens when one dies? .....
Many religions do not approve, or at least discourage, inter-religious marriage. The PM's visit to the Muslim Convert's Association saw him talking to a Chinese Muslim who was converted because Islam forbids a Muslim to marry a non-Muslim. The Catholics have a statement which a non-Catholic spouse has to sign (assuming a Catholic marriage) to declare that the couple will raise the children up in accordance with Catholic teachings. The Bible is full of warnings against marrying outside of the faith, both in the Old Testament and the New Testament. (Incidentally, the passage quoted by Agustina refers to the situation where 2 unbelievers are married, and one spouse later converts. Paul is teaching that they should not be divorced. In no way does the Bible approve of unequally yoked marriages).
If couples in courtship should be bothered about mental compatibility, intellectual compatibility, psychological compatibility, emotional compatibility, social compatibility, etc, is it wise then to ignore what I will call spiritual compatibility? If a couple have essentially different sets of beliefs, in what way are they going to resolve it? Never discuss it? Pretend it is not a problem? Assume that it will be solved in marriage somehow? Talk about it and let the other do his own things, saying that it is their own freedom?
I therefore believe that if the 2 are of different convictions, do not start the attachment, because it is very painful and will probably hurt much more in time to come. If you are already in it, you had better think carefully. The issue is a potentially explosive one that may erupt only after marriage or worst still after children are born. The Christians believe that marriage is for life, and divorce is not pleasing to God. Don't pretend. If you've never discussed religion with your potential partner, then maybe you should.
Afterall, any problems in marriage will not just affect only you or your spouse. You're going to affect each other's family, your innocent children, and people who come into contact with you. The people most hurt will be people you love most, especially innocent children. (I'm sure some of you have been much hurt by your parents, do you want to repeat it?)
If one is firmly set to marry only a believer, then how can he/she ever get steady with a non-believer, knowing that any boyfriend/girlfriend is a potential husband/wife? When one realizes that the probability (which is elusive) that the friend will convert is very low, how can it be a responsible act to start with?
I speak strongly against a believer who says that "Maybe my partner will believe." Well said, simply because it also means that that partner may not believe at all. Are you God to know that? Then what is next? Breakup?
By going into a relationship, you're assuming a heavy responsbility to care for the life of another person. All of a sudden, you realise that you cannot meet the spiritual needs of each other.
Or some may say, "I'll try to win him/her over." Then, are you with him/her because you love him/her or because you want to convert him/her? Anyone who has proselytized will know that you never really know who will/will not believe. I think that anyone who uses such excuse simply has breached the contract of trust, and had used the other person's emotions as a platform to achieve something else, or he/she is giving the excuse in order to satisfy your own emotional needs.
Therefore, if one is really interested in the other person, it is best to win the person over to your religion FIRST (yourself or some other friends) before getting emotionally attached. However, many have pointed that conversion is a matter of the heart/belief, and cannot be forced into and rightly so. Therefore it cannot be used to threaten a relationship. It can only be stated as a fact. In fact, the only course I see is to be separate for some time to let each other sort out his/her own religious convictions, and if he/she believes, to give him/her time to grow in the faith.
If that person does not respond, then it is better for you to give it up early and learn an important lesson from it. When the relationship is too deep, it will be extremely difficult and painful to deal with it.
You probably will also need to ask what will happen if the non-believer converts and through unforeseen circumstances they later break-up? What do you think will happen to the faith of the recent convert. Would the religion become a stumbling block?
This does not mean that a marriage between two persons from different religions is doomed to fail. There are indeed some who managed to succeed, but that is in the minority. I have the privilege of working with some teenagers and have found that quite a few have problems because of their parents' different beliefs, and they have grown up thinking that that is the norm, which affects their own outlook of life.
If the relationship is important enough to you, then you should spend much time ironing out the differences in religion (even couples with the same religion can have quite different interpretations and the way to live it out), just as you would iron out your differences in study, work, life, emotions, etc.
To all the couples and couples-to-be, I wish you a responsible, satisfying, enriching and fulfilling relationship.
Just-my-opinion,
James