SECOND YEAR will soon come to a close. Soon we would all be going to third year. 'Might be promoting' should be more appropriate. My almost two years in DISCS really have memories that I will always keep in my mind. So many things had happened; so many lessons were learnt; so many things had changed. I had changed. She had changed too. So had those after her.
The life in Comp Science was really tough. There are only a few more months to plough through before the final year. As I look back at my almost two short years here, I felt a sense of remorse and regret. I did not make full use of my time here. I had done many wrong things and did not do other things that I should have. And I am not going to let the third year just slip past like that.
Perhaps if I can change history, I would. I really hope I could.
First day in campus was chaotic. I found an army friend who took Comp. Sc. too. We 'buddied' up and took the new challenge of navigating out life in NUS together. He is a very playful person and is always full of life and vigour.
He pulled me to attend the NUSSU Hop and Jam. We really let our hair loose and danced crazily. I enjoyed myself at the hop. That was where I met her.
She had gone to the hop with a group of friends. I saw her during the jam and eyed her when the hop started. She is different from the girl I had before from my last failed relationship. She is jovial, sexy, playful and looked good too.
"Hey, that chick you are eyeing is not bad. Go for it man!", Ken supported.
I danced and moved myself towards her group of friends with Ken tailing behind. I moved towards her slowly as by chance.
"Hi, can I dance with you?", I asked.
She just smiled and her friends looked on. I felt so embarrassed that I hope the ground would just open up and swallow me. Of course, the more experienced Ken came to my rescue.
"Hi everybody! Ken is my name and dancing is my game. My buddy is Min. Can we join in?"
The other girls just giggled. She looked at me and I took the cue. We joined them and danced in a circle. My eyes were fixed on her most of the time. She looked better in the flashing lights. Her hair was silky soft, her skin fair and unblemished. Her smile was gorgeous. Her eyes were hypnotizing. Her figure was sexy as can be seen by her skin cladding black one-piece. Who would not like her?
Amidst the loud blaring of the speakers, I managed to find out a few things about her. She was from Comp Science too and like me, a freshie. She stayed in Bukit Merah, quite close to NUS. She was from a good college and had chosen to study Law but could not make it and was posted to her second choice instead.
We danced until almost eleven when the girls decided to go back. I seized the chance to send her back. She was reluctant at first but I insisted. The other girls looked on with suspicious eyes but who cares!
Ken was careful to make sure I went back with her alone by treating the other girls to a drink at Clementi. I still have not paid Ken the $7+ that he spent that night with the three girls.
The journey to her place was awkward but memorable. My heart was beating very fast and I hoped she could not hear my nervousness. My speech was slurred and incoherent. She giggled at my nervousness and stupidity. I guess that was why she liked about me at first. I asked her many questions on the way. She was careful not to reveal too much details and worse, she just would not give me her telephone number.
I sent her back to her door. She turned around and said,
"You are the first guy who send me back on the first date. The others were so... so ungentlemanly."
My heart soared. She smiled sweetly and opened her door. Needless to say, her family were all asleep. Before closing the wooden door, she whispered,
"You are very cute. See you tomorrow!" Having said that, she smiled her thousand-dollar smile and closed the door gently.
It took me quite some time to register what she said. I felt giddy and very very happy. I did not even mind the $8+ that I spent on taxi fare back to Hougang.
Lisa just wouldn't give me her telephone number. We always talked on Vax until the wee hours in the morning. I asked her many times why she would not give me her telephone number and she would just say that her family do not allow guys to call her. Hard to believe that but I had to accept. I could have gotten her number from her friends but I decided to let her give it to me personally some time later.
She was also afraid to be seen in public with me. She would only meet in the Central Library or YIH, but never in Comp Science. I questioned her and she would say "I am afraid rumour will spread". Can't she take me as her boyfriend?
We went out many times; about twice a week. Her favourite colours were black and white, evident by her dressing. Sometimes we went to a movie and sometimes to a park. When we were out of campus, she would hold my hands, as if afraid to let go. In campus, she would make no physical contact with me.
One day we went to Marina Bay on a Saturday afternoon after the lectures. We stayed there until late into the evening, seven plus. The gentle breeze blew against our face, stinging our eyes with the sea salt it brought along. She sat beside me and laid her head on my chest. I held her soft body and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. I toyed with her hair and combed them off her forehead and tried many different hair styles on her beautiful face.
"That felt very nice." she whispered softly and looked into my eyes.
I stared into her big beautiful eyes. My heart began to pound quickly and loudly. She smiled and closed her eyes, her lips parting slightly. I moved my lips to meet hers and savoured the succulent and reddish pink lips. Her welcoming tongue was the more curious tongue. Both of us could tell that the other one was experienced in this act of love. Perhaps she was more experienced.
After a minute or so, both of us were breathless. We stopped our first kiss. She closed her eyes for a while as if saying a prayer. She opened them and looked at me straight into my eyes. I held her closer and asked,
"What are you thinking of?"
"Nothing. Just hold me now". She closed her eyes again and cuddled into my arms. I felt happy but strange. I asked her,
"Do you love me?"
She was startled. She stared at my eyes as and searched for words to say. After a while she got up from her reclining position and sat upright, pushing her hair back and looked out into the sea.
"You are not the first one I ever love. But I love you very much. Please know and remember that." Tears streamed down her cheeks like strings of pearls against the park lamps.
"Lisa, why do you cry? Have I said something wrong today?"
"No. It's just that I am overwhelmed by feelings. I hate to lie to you but I feel that I couldn't hide it from you either"
"Hide what? Is there something you want to tell me? Is it about your secretiveness? " I asked expectantly. I know this day would happen. She would tell me her story.
"I actually had three relationships before." she said weakly. I had expected her to have a relationship before but not three!
"Are you shocked? Hello?"
"No... I... I just... I am just surprised."
She closed her eyes and more silent tears flowed. I knew she was crying silently inside. I held her close and felt the warmth that spread through her body to mine. I was at a loss of what to say. I just held her and waited for her sobbing to stop.
When it finally did about ten minutes later she said,
"My first boyfriend went after me when we were in college and after he got me, he broke off with his girlfriend. I felt bad about it all. He was very good looking, intelligent and popular. He was the vice-captain of the school rugger team.
"That was two years ago, first year in JC. We loved each other very much until one day he changed. He found another girlfriend; a rich man's daughter. He just left me without any word. I called him many times and pleaded with him to come back but to no avail. The worse thing is that I had already... given him my virginity. I resigned to my fate and was very sad after that. I could not come to terms with reality then. We were so in love and suddenly he changed so fast. I was miserable for a long time. I cried myself to sleep many nights and whenever I dreamt of him, I would pick up the phone and call him, only to put down the receiver when I realised that it's only a dream. I could not eat proper meals and my studies suffered. I was even more jealous whenever I saw him with his new girl. They walked past me without even saying 'Hi'. I was very troubled and sad. I almost failed my promos because of that."
I winced at these words. They hit me like a stone out of the blue. I didn't imagine all this could have happened. She went on.
"The second one came around February; just before Chinese New year. He is different. He was not handsome nor the active type. He is a mugger but he has a heart of gold. He didn't know much about my previous relationship with my first boyfriend. He only knew that we broke off. I didn't want to tell him much about my previous relationship. I didn't like him at first.
"He sent me back from school almost everyday. He brought me my first flowers. We ignored all the gossips that was going on about us. We were very happy together. We would spend the day doing tutorial or go to the nearby park. He would then send me home just in time for dinner. Life was simple and sweet. I loved him very much.
"One day he came to me at the beginning of first lesson and asked me this question: Did you give your virginity to him? I was shocked beyond words. I wondered how he knew. He told me later that he heard rumours about it. I didn't want to keep him in the dark anymore. I told him the truth after lessons. He only said these three words: You cheated me. I could sense the burning anger and sadness inside him. He never spoke to me after that. My world just collapsed into pieces. I don't blame him at all. I didn't know what to do. After so long of learning to love him I just lost him like that. I blame myself for being so stupid and for covering up the truth. I had thought that everything would be fine and happy. But who knows? Had I told him earlier things might be different. I almost thought of committing suicide until a friend stopped me and talked to me for almost three hours on top of the school building."
I pitied her. Tears formed in my eyes. I did not know what to do. I just hope that all these were not real. I just hope that this would not happen to the girl I love. She continued, with eyes staring straight into the sea while she narrated.
"Prelims came and I fared badly. I worked very hard for the next one and a half months. Luckily I did okay for A-level.
"While waiting for the results, I worked in an accounting firm. The office boy there took fancy on me. He was awaiting to be enlisted. He was 1 year my junior. He was only an O-level holder but he was quite handsome with his boyish look. I liked him but I knew that there was no future with us. I did not let him know I was working temporarily there. I also did not let him know I am waiting for A-level results because I was afraid to make him feel inferior or that I was showing off.
"He bought lunch for me although I refused. He would say that he had already bought it and asked me not to waste his hard earned money. He sent me flowers every week to my house and occasionally small presents he made himself. Dad was furious when he knew about it but he couldn't do anything. The boy was persistent. I began to like him slowly. I only went out with him a month just before his March enlistment. He would take me to those bowling alleys and ice skating ring. He used his hard earned money to make me happy. I appreciated that and asked him not to do it but he said it's his money and it's up to him how he would spend it. He was a bit stubborn.
"Enlistment day came and I was the only one to send him off. Before he left he said: 'Wait for me. When I come out I will marry you.'
"My heart was overjoyed. For the first time in my life a guy had proposed to me. I felt so assured of the future and for the first time felt confident about relationship. After his 3 weeks confinement we went out every weekend. I would tease him about his botak head and he would tease me saying I look prettier and prettier. We would go to his house and spend hours relating about my work and his army stories.
"When I received the letter from NUS that I was given a place in Comp Science, I was overjoyed. I told him the Tuesday night he called me. His tone changed immediately. I could sense something was wrong. He was very quiet after that and we didn't speak much. Before we hanged up he said: 'Wait for me'. I was puzzled but I didn't have the chance to ask him.
"That night, about three a.m. someone came and knocked on our door. Dad opened it. I heard some argument and my name was mentioned. I got up and was shocked to see him at the door. I asked him why he had come. He just said that his PC gave permission for everyone to have a night off. I pleaded with dad to let us go down to the playground to talk. Dad took pity on us and relented.
"He held my hand firmly all the way. He kept saying that he loves me. I already knew that though. I assured him I love him too but he seemed unconvinced. I decided to make love to him that night in the large and dark playground at three plus a.m. I did all I can to assure him of my love for him. The whole neighbourhood was deserted. About half an hour after we made love, the chilling breeze blew and he held me in his arms. I felt safe and sleepy. I slept in his arms in the playground.
"Suddenly I was awaken by shoutings. I saw a few soldiers running towards him. He looked worried and said: 'Sorry Lisa, I have to go. I know we cannot be together after you go to university but I know what I did is worth it. Tonight is worth it all the trouble. I will not forget tonight.'
"It wasn't before long I knew he had AWOLed to see me. He had beaten up the guards at his camp and stole a military vehicle out. I did not know how he do it. I only know why. One of the guards was seriously injured when he refused to let my boyfriend come out. Because of the multiple charges, he was sentenced to three years confinement in detention barracks.
"I was so moved by his stupidity and sincerity. I decided to give up my university education for him. I visited him to tell him my decision. He was happy but he said that education to me is more important than him. He wanted me to continue study but I told him I wanted to earn money and wait for him to get out and we will then get married. His last words to me were: 'Always remember me.' He died the next day. He had committed suicide in the detention barracks. I cried for many days. His parents blamed me for their son's death. I felt remorseful but I did not know how to pay them back their only son. I visited them every week as they were well into their pension age. I cleaned their house and kept them company. I wore black and white since then. It was also then that I learnt they had a step-daughter studying in science too.
"Min, it's not that I do not like you. I love you. Very much. I just feel so unsecure and I have no confidence in relationship anymore. Three failed relationships in a mere two years just make me afraid to go into the fourth one. Can't you see I have no more confidence? I was cheated by the first one. The second one was cheated by me. And the third one died for me. Tell me, what will you do if the fourth one come? I had told myself never to enter into another relationship until I graduate. My friends advised me that too. But you came along. I was so reluctant but I am a human being as well. I feel love, I need to be loved, I need to love too. Can you see? I pity easily, and I love easily too."
By then her words were broken with sobbings. I suddenly realised why she always wore white and black. I also realised why she did not want to be seen with me. She was just so unfortunate.
"I am truly sorry. I shouldn't have suspected you nor asked you things like that."
Both of use kept quiet for sometime. Her half-an-hour long narration shocked me and drove words out of my mind. She was silent too. She still sat upright beside me. She looked at me and asked,
"Do you still want me?"
Her eyes were blank. A sign of defeat and hopelessness was all I can sense. I stared into those blank eyes and think hard, not knowing what to think or what to say. Her background was complex and difficult to accept. I did not know if we can carry this through together too. I just did not know what to do.
Through his eyes.