I love her. But yet I was afraid of what had happened. I was afraid that the past would catch up with the present. I was afraid of what other people would say about us if we carried on. I was afraid of what her last boyfriend's step-sister would think and do. Will she accept the fact that her step-brother's lover is in someone else's arms in just a mere four months?

Besides, I had hope that my girlfriend would be a 'pure' girl. I do not mind about past relationships but she had already given herself to two other guys. I blamed her for being too liberal. But then, am I any better? I had sex before with my first love too although we were still virgins. I debated within myself for a long time.

I know she loved me very much as she had put her own future in my hands by telling me her deepest secrets. I am glad that she was frank with me. I am really grateful that she did not hide anything from me.

So many odds were against us. The heaven seemed to be smiling on me just a few hours ago. And now, it seemed to be putting a curse on me.

Her gaze was still fixed on me. She was still waiting for my reply. I knew what I was about to say would change both of our future. I had planned to tell her I want her, I need her and I love her. I turned and met her gaze but she spoke first.

"Min, don't pity me. If you are going to say 'yes' to make me feel better, please don't. Both of us will not be happy together. I think it's better that we put everything on hold first and see how things will work out. Let time be a test of our real love for each other. But remember... I do love you. There is always a special place for you in my heart. You know my feelings towards you. You make the decision. Sometime later."

My heart sank. How could she say that? She might have no confidence in the future but at least let us fight this battle together. On the other hand, this might seem to be a better solution. I agreed to her suggestion. Perhaps time will be a better judge than ourselves.

Three weeks had passed since we last talked to one another. We still say 'Hi' but we never talked face to face nor on the VAX. School work also became heavier and heavier. It was a strange feeling altogether to be alone again except for Ken's company during school hours.

During that two weeks Ken was very supportive. He did not know why we decided to put everything on hold. He offered to help but could he? He got himself a girl from Arts that he met in his ECA. She was quite good too. She also offered to help but Ken had asked her to join her friends because he wanted to be with me during this difficult time. I was very grateful to both of them.

She did not say how long we must wait. She just said we put everything on hold. I know I couldn't wait any longer. I just need her badly because I love her very much. Every now and then she would just pop up from my mind whenever my mind was wondering. I thought of her on bus. I thought of her in between the lecturer's pauses. I thought of her while brushing my teeth. I thought of her while trying to sleep at night. I just couldn't concentrate on my work or anything I was doing. Life became so unbearable without her.

I decided to talk to her face to face. I know where she usually went after lessons, an obscure corner in the Central Library. I had made up my mind to tell her I need her and I love her.

The internal shuttle service journey just did not seem fast enough. I hope the bus driver would just hurry up and get to Central quickly. Can't he understand I am going to tell her I love her and I want her? If only the driver knew.

I alighted at Central and ran towards the Central Library. I took two to three steps at a time up the spiral staircase. I just couldn't wait to tell her the good news.

I saw her studying alone at the same old place that we used to study together. I walked quietly behind her and hugged her from the back. My lips moved just in time to stop her mouth from letting out a scream and stole a quick kiss.

"Lisa, I can't live without you. I want you. Please back come to me. I love you."

Her shock expression puzzled me. I thought she should be very happy to be with me. Before I could ask her anything a hand patted on my shoulders.

"Hey, why do you kiss my girlfriend?"

I spun around and saw a big guy behind me. He was half a head taller and quite muscular. He was quite tanned too. I was shocked. Why was he talking like that?

"Excuse me guys. Let me explain." Lisa said hurriedly. "Min, this is Roger. Roger, meet Min."

Roger is Lisa's first boyfriend. I was even more shocked this time. What had happened? Is everything and everybody going crazy?

"Lisa, I demand to know what is happening. Would you mind explaining?" I asked angrily.

"Roger, please leave us for a moment. I'll join you... no, I'll meet you in your car later. Wait for me there." Roger went away but before he did he gave me the don't-do-anything-funny-or-else-I'll-bash-you-up kind of look. That did not scare me at all until I recalled that he was a rugby player.

"Min. I hope you will forgive me. Yes I still love him. I have always loved him. I have given him my virginity. He is my first love, can't you see? My first love!"

My heart just shattered into a million pieces. I sat there not knowing what to do. Everything just did not look right. I just couldn't believe this came from someone I love so much.

"I love you too. I always will. I said you will always have a special place in my heart. You certainly will have." she consoled me. "See, Roger came to me about a week after we stop seeing one another. He was a very shattered man. He changed into a sloppy and defeated person. He told me his girlfriend dumped him after both of them got into U. Her rich girlfriend went to NTI and got herself another boyfriend. Roger didn't have to serve NS as he is an Indonesian."

"So you are together with him because he is a rich Indonesian guy?"

"No! He pleaded with me to go back to him but I refused initially. He was so adamant that he followed me with his car all the way home. Dad persuaded me to tell him off when he stood outside our door. I knew I cannot talk or see him in the eyes because I knew I still love him. I knew what my first words to him will be. He just didn't leave until way past dinner at ten p.m. plus. Mom gave him some food but he refused to eat. He just sat outside our door saying he wanted to see me and talk to me."

"So what? I can do just that!" I retorted.

"Just listen Min. Our neighbours kept looking at him and us. Upon Dad's urging, I finally brought him some cold food and he ate so heartily. His eyes lit up and his face so radiant. I was so touched. I mean, he did that all for me. I can see straight away that his love for me has not died yet. He still love me after all. I just felt that I can forgive everything that he did to me. After all, those were history already. No point finger pointing and accusing one another anymore."

Lisa eyes were quite excited now. She was oblivion to my sorrow and anger.

"I invited him in that night. Dad and mom were touched too. Little sis even said he is in love with me. I was so happy then. I never felt so supported by my family before. Dad invited him to stay overnight which he did. I don't know why but Dad suddenly became so approving of Roger. Perhaps Dad remembered that Roger was my first love and Dad didn't know about you. Anyway, I thought I might just let everything go step by step."

"You mean you forgot about me and all those you said just three weeks ago? I asked accusingly. "Remember what you said to me?"

"No I did not forget. But you must see, Min. Do you know that in that two weeks I experienced love that I never felt before? Do you know that I felt like we are both falling in love again just like two years ago? I can never forget that feeling. It cannot be relived. Roger has changed completely. He became neat and tidy again. He started exercising again. But most of all he has become a very happy man again. He changed because of me. Do you see?"

I knew I had lost her forever. Nothing I could say or do would bring her back. I just lost my love. In a short three months plus, I had loved and lost love. I just couldn't believe that people can change so fast. I did not blame her either. I couldn't forget my first love either. And I dare say I still have special feelings for her though I know I would never want her back.

I closed my world to everything other than eat, sleep, and study; the three Ss of NUS life. Ken was busy himself when his Arts girlfriend demanded he spend more time with her than me. Ken relented and he spent most of him time after lessons with her. I did not tell anybody other than Ken what had happened. Ken wanted to help but he was busy himself.

I led a semi-recluse life. I skipped some lectures and tutorials. Lisa herself was busy and she would disappear right after the last lesson to heaven knows where with Roger. Ken would do the same with his Arts girl. I was left all alone to lead my life. Some of my classmates teased me saying I had become a lone ranger but I didn't care. How would they know the plight I am in? Would they understand? So what if they could? Can they help?

Even my family noticed my weird behaviour. Mom asked me if things are alright in school. How can I tell her the truth? It will only break her heart. Life became intolerable. I became a zombie-like creature. People would ask me why I didn't understand or remember what they said. Lectures also became so boring. Tutorial seems to come two at a time. Things just didn't go right.

The one month break came. It was such a timely break for me to catch up on my undone tutorials. Like what Aaron said, the undergrad's life revolve around the 4 Ls : Lecture, Loo, Lunch and Love. [Aaron interrupts: He forgot a few other Ls.] For me, it's minus the last L and plus another one, Loneliness.

Our project group for Pascal assignment wanted to meet almost every week to do it. I was naturally given the simplest part when Ken told the rest that I had some family problem. He is still a good friend after all. Afraid that I would hold up the group, Ken did quite some of my parts as I just couldn't solve the algo bugs.

"Now, let's see if you can solve the last bit yourself. It shouldn't be too difficult if you had read on those functions, Min," Ken challenged me.

"Ok, I'll give it a shot." I replied.

"That's my man. Seize the day and make more out of it!" Ken encouraged.

I stayed later than the rest to debug my part. The rest of my team mates had gone back an hour ago. I really wanted to do this final part myself. Ken had helped me a lot but then I need to learn this myself or else I would not know how to do it later in the exams. I stayed at the terminal until eight plus.

I tried quite hard until at around eight thirty when I finally solved the last problem and my part ran through smoothly. I was so happy that I shouted hooray as if I had just reached the top of a huge mountain. But really, it was an on-top-of-the-world feeling.

Suddenly a message flashed across the screen.

"Hi, still working at this hour?"

"Yes. Doing pascal assignment" I replied using the 'talk' facility to reply Karen.

"Oh! I just want to say you let out a great smile just now."

I stood up immediately and looked around the big VAX room. Karen is not in sight. [The big VAX room is at the corner of the second floor of S15, now renamed as the Programming Lab 1.]

"Hey where are you? How come you can see me and I cannot see you?"

"I can see you but you cannot see me. :)"

I spied at the other ten plus users in big VAX room but none of them resembled Karen in any way.

"You seem very gloomy these days. Your smile just now was simply fantastic."

"Karen, where are you?"

"Please don't ask me where I am. I won't tell you"

I was puzzled by the message. Karen normally do not talk on VAX. She was those mugger type who do not stay until so late too.

"You don't sound like Karen. Who are you?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Karen does not stay so late and she does not use 'talk' anyway."

"You are right. I am not Karen. I am a friend of her."

"Why are you using her account?"

"Because I want to talk to you and..."

"And what?"

"and I do not want you to know who am I"

"Huh? Why?"

"Because..."

"Because?"

"Because I like you."

That message came a bolt out of the blue. I took quite some time to register what happened.

"Excuse me, if you are playing a prank, I advise you to stop. This is not funny."

"I am serious. I had observed you for a long time. I even know that you and Lisa are no longer together."

I was shocked. No one except Ken and Lisa's friends knew about our relationship, let alone that we broke off. I also knew that this mysterious girl was quite serious.

"Why do you use her account? You can use yours to talk to me"

"No. I rather not reveal myself. I am quite contented. Do you know that when you are gloomy you are not the only one?"

"How come?"

"The one who likes you feels the same as you do. Do you know?"

I was pleasantly surprised. I had never imagine myself to be observed let alone liked by a girl. I am neither handsome, rich or good in studies. Perhaps this girl saw something else in me?

"Hey, why don't you tell me who are you?"

"No. I can't. And please don't ask Karen too. And please please don't use qt80."

"What qt80?"

"Oh never mind, as i expected."

At that time I did not know what was qt80 as I seldom use VAX other than to read mails of tutorial assignments, talk to Lisa, and do the Pascal assignment.

The next day when I saw Karen came back to do her Pascal assignment I observed her and even talked to her. She was either a superb actress or she really did not know what happened. I did not tell anyone about this mysterious person.

The second time the mysterious person talked to me was late at night while I was using modem to do the documentation for my part.

"Hi...pascal again?"

"Yes."

"I am NOT Karen."

"Yes I know. Karen does not own a modem. I found out that she does not own a PC."

"Quite clever of you. Hey, can I ask you some questions?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"Why did you and Lisa break up?"

"Sorry, I think it's too personal. I am very sorry."

"It's ok. I am just curious. Hey, tell me, when is your birthday?"

"It's over two months ago. What about yours?"

"Mine is at the middle of the year. May 19."

"Oh mine is 2/9. What name shall I call you?"

There was a pause before she continued.

"Just call me Sally."

"Is that you real name?"

"No. it's just a name that i like, btw, how many people are there in your family?"

"You doing a family survey? *joking*"

"No. Just like to know. You mind?"

"Surely not. I have a younger sister and my parents of course. What about you?"

"Oh I have an elder brother and a younger sister."

"I see."

Our conversations lasted until quite late in the morning. I found out a lot more about 'Sally' now. I tried to bait her to tell me more about her name and class but she was quite careful. I gave up quickly and concentrated on trying to find out more about her.

She was from an ordinary JC and had formally taken Comp Science there. No wonder she was quite good with computers. Her father is technician and her mother a housewife. Sally was a free thinker but she still prayed to those Chinese deities. Her hobbies included playing piano and making cross-stitch. I also found out that she is a kind and sensitive person from the wide range of topics we talked about.

One day I was using VAX when Sally talked to me again. She asked me if I would be interested to go for a Raffles Affiliates outing.

"So when is the night tour?" I asked.

"On 29 Nov, after school re-opens. The night tour is over Sat night till Sunday."

"Are you going yourself?"

"I might...if you go. Then you will know who I am."

"Sure, I'll be interested to go and find out who you are."

"Then welcome! See u there!"

I was quite curious who this Sally was. I signed up alone because I was afraid Ken's presence might make Sally feel awkward. Time passed quickly and Nov 29 came.

We were to wait at YIH for the coach to pick us up. I waited apprehensively at the assigned location. I had never been to a night tour and I was pretty excited. I was even more excited as I was about to meet the mysterious Sally. I sat alone from the rest of the people attending the tour. It seemed I was the only Comp Science student there. Suddenly a girl's voice called out.

"Hi! I am Sally."

I looked up and saw her. I have never seen her before. She is tall and looked quite sophisticated too. She has quite a good figure. Her short hair looked very good with her face. She wore expensive clothes too. I was puzzled and surprised.

"Are you sure you are Sally? I've never seen you before."

"Why do you always assume I am a first year? Can't I be second year?"

I was so surprised. People always said that I had luck but I did not believe until now. Yes, I do have luck. But then, even luck comes with efforts. I decided not to let that night slip by. I wanted to turn the it into a memorable night. The first night with Sally.

Through his eyes.